I AM that I AM, 2023
I AM that I AM is a deeply self-reflective piece that provides a comprehensive visual overview of my teenage and 20's years, using iconography that is best understood in the traditional Western art historical context. The piece can be broken down into four parts that encapsulate different aspects of my narrative; ideal beauty, the sense of aesthetics, important people, and the personal history triptych. Detailed explanation for each part follows.
1. Ideal Beauty
Growing up and still to this date, I have lived under the pressure to become beautiful while simultaneously being allured by the idea of perfect beauty, which actually may be non-existent in real life. The learned standards of beauty both suffocated and tempted me. The Venus on the right that is flipped upside down refers to this distorted relationship.
It also referenced the image of Uma Thurman as Venus in a 1988 movie, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.
The three figures in Manga style in the center are actual characters that I used to draw in high school as an exodus from the academic stress. This also was a coping mechanism from the disparage between my physical representation and the ideal standards I had imposed against myself; I could not make myself look that good, but at least my creations were beautiful. The four faces around them are celebrities whom I looked up to for possessing the qualities I yearned for: physical beauty, talent, professionalism, and vivid character.
The two speared heads on the left, taunted by dancers in Japanese school uniform, shows my response to how male and female roles are portrayed in Asian pornographic industry. With the internet widespread around the world, the average age of first exposure to such media lowers and lowers every year. The younger the age, the impact becomes indelible, and the constant exposure unconsciously shapes both genders' perception and behavior. The false sense of gender roles and femininity promoted by such media further enfetters women.
2. Sense of Aesthetics
As an artist, I take a great pride in my discerning eye for a beautiful artwork, or my appreciation for good films. I credit these films for shaping my sense of aesthetics and establishing an unrealistic bar for myself as a creator. From left, the films or recorded visuals referenced are as follows:
On the left, from left
Giselle (2006, Marinsky Theater- Diana Vishneva and Mattieu Ganio)
Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)
-Also underneath the garland of flowers in the center, there hide two pink sticks. In this movie, Hedwig refers to his lost penis as "Little bishop in a turtleneck."
Eyes Wide Shut (1999), Space Odyssey (1968)
The Handmaiden (2016)
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Sakuran (2006) - for the band of Japanese fans
On the right, from left
Marie Antoinette (2006) - for the band of Rococo fans
Chris Antemann: Forbidden Fruit (2016), an exhibition at the MAD museum
Satyricon (1969)
The Swing (1767)
The Tales of Hoffmann (1951)
Amadeus (1984)
On the right, at the top
Cowboy Bebop (1998)
3. Important People
The people depicted here in symbols are portrayed in the way only understood by myself.
Oddly, all of them are disconnected from me now, but I remember them through these cherished objects that have become symbols.
4. Personal History - Triptych
The central image represents my religious exploration in my early to mid-twenties. Always longing for an idealized form of love, I became convinced that the concept of "Love" described in Christianity was the ultimate value that should guide the rest of my life. In this alignment, as I was in the naturalization process to become a US citizen, I decided to legally change my name to Pauline. By the time, I deeply resonated with Apostle Paul in the Bible, a Roman citizen who initially persecuted Christians but later converted to become one, ultimately becoming a key figure in the evangelization of pagans. Therefore, you see a book and a sword in the center of the facade, a common attribute of St. Paul. The ceiling is supported by the wall on the left and the columns on the right; the left wall features a band of grotesque decorative elements, while a Corinthian column is on the right, both emblematic of the Roman decorative style. The floor tiles are adorned by a symbol of Christ's heart.
A dove or a symbol of the Holy Spirit gracefully hovers amidst a ray of golden light, casting its glow upon my own portrait. Also in the scene, there is another me giving a nonchalant gaze at my past self. Now taking a role of a detached spectator, I look back at my earlier spiritual enthusiasm. Standing from a distance, a sense of confusion and the unending journey of building identity envelops me.
On the left, a seven years old myself lies on the 요 (a think bedding) with my grandmother. This is one of my cherished memories from childhood, sleepless and enticed by the complex ornamental forms on the traditional wooden closet that inhabited an entire wall in my grandmother's room. It would be illuminated by the soft light filtered through the window at night, and a certain shape would be outlined on the window every night as the glow from the outside hit and scattered on its surface.
On the right, an airplane flies over the sky, suggesting my experience as an international student, which has largely shaped my adolescent years. I and the classmates are situated outside to emphasize the sense of loneliness and to allude to the composition of traditional Medieval triptychs. On the left side of the scene, I am seated by myself as I would in a cafeteria back then. Behind of me, fellow classmates are sitting in groups and socializing, accentuating my solitude even though they were not specifically unkind. My struggle to break social barriers and overcome fear intensified my sense of seclusion form the group. On the right, a miniature scene happens where a boy is blowing a kick to a girl's crotch. This refers to a traumatic incident that I went through in Korea. This memory of violence instilled a fear of men that lasted for quite a long time, as I have witnessed the violence and cruelty men could inflict on women deemed unattractive or assertive.
